weakness=power

It's so frustrating sometimes... Life, that is. Sometimes I just don't get it. Sometimes it doesn't get me. If you grew up in a Christian home like I did, you are taught all the sayings, you were raised with the answer to every question, so that when "these times" come, you know what the response is. While that's helpful, what are we supposed to do when that is not enough?

God sees the entire picture, I see what's in front of me. If I'm faithful in the small things, He'll be faithful in the big things. If I delight myself in Him, He'll give me the desires of my heart. And if I'm delighting in Him, my desires will be as His are.

OK, I'm gonna be completely real with you for about 2.5 seconds.

This is freaking hard.

Maybe even more like gosh darn freaking hard.

We're taught these things growing up for a reason; so I can remind myself TONIGHT that this is "only for a season".

And no, I didn't mean for that to rhyme. I'm just super cool like that.

What happens when you're tired of the answers? I KNOW that God is real, and God understands what you're going through. I think sometimes He wants us to be at this point where the answers that we were taught are NOT enough. I think He wants us to be real with HIM and say "I want MORE." I am one of those "outlandish believers" who truly believes that God wants me to look at Him and say: "This is not enough, I want more, I want more of YOU, I want more answers, I want more love, I want to be consumed by You even more... Challenge me, make me go deeper, do things through me that other won't believe because it's THAT absolutely insane. DO it."

I want more than the black and white answers because as much as everyone would like to argue, there are a lot of different shades of gray in a lot of areas. Don't get me wrong; right is right and wrong is wrong. But in areas such as where I am in life... there seems to be some gray areas during the waiting period. Let me clarify this: In my mind, I see "gray" as more of the unknown and not as the "right" or "wrong".

God knows the outcome. He knows the final product. He knows all. I know that. You know that. I'm pretty sure Hitler knew that.

But what happens in the waiting time? What happens when you're crazy like me and you get bored? What happens when you're GOING crazy because you KNOW the right, and you KNOW the wrong, but you want the right to happen right now so you don't do the wrong? Or even, you know the right and you know the wrong, but the right is just taking so DANG long that you question yourself?

Maybe this is more of a rambling post instead of a "this is how it is" post. But I think it's truly unrealistic for me to always be "how it is"... Reality is that I struggle just as much as the next chick. And reality is... this sucks.

Here's the kicker; I even ask Him why and I know the answer. To grow you. To mature you. "Perseverance must finish it's work so you may be mature and complete not lacking anything." (James 1:4)

Does that ever annoy you? I want to SCREAM.

Not at God. I know He's there. I know He's not going anywhere and I know He's doing something great. Even though I'm not sure what, I'm sure it's a humdinger of... something.

But I want to scream because I am being SO impatient and the answers are NOT enough. Why can't they just be enough? I KNOW they're the right answers. I KNOW that His words will not return void. I KNOW that He holds everything in His hands... Yet, I'm still just... impatient. And frustrated. I'm something that I don't even know what word it is. I feel like even though I know He knows where I am... sometimes I feel alone in this. But then I don't, because He's right here saying "I'm here."

Just say something. Do something. Give me some sign of... something. Something that tells me there is an end in sight, that this is really something quite small in the grand scheme of things, that reminds me that there is NOTHING that You can't handle and THAT should be sufficient enough for me. Let it be sufficient.

Again, everything comes back to me.

"My grace is sufficient for you."

My grace is sufficient... it's enough. Even when you think it's not, even when you question it... It's sufficient. So let go of everything you're holding onto, let go of all of the things you're juggling in the air and REST in knowing that MY GRACE IS sufficient.

The thing is, His grace won't be sufficient for me unless I let it be. So this entire rant has sent me back... to me... it's not Him. It's me. It was never Him. His grace never left. His grace never stopped being sufficient. "It's a heart issue" as we Christians say. :)

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Cor. 12:9

.trust.

Trust.

You say trust.

You say believe.

You promise You have my best interests in mind. You promise that You see the bigger picture. Trust. Trust My promises. Trust My words. Trust My works. Trust in Me.

So much easier said than done, isn’t it?

I took our “Spiritual Gift” test at church to see what mine were. Number one was Faith.

I’m sorry, but are you as surprised as I am?

I feel like I shouldn’t have taken that test. As soon as I did, my faith has been challenged to new limits. And I have to take everything that’s within me to have FAITH… to TRUST that He is going to work EVERYTHING together for good. Because I love God. That’s what He says…… right?

Right.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding, but in ALL YOUR WAYS acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.

Trust in the Lord with all MY heart and lean not on MY own understanding, but in all MY ways acknowledge Him and He will direct MY paths.

Trust in my God, my Savior, my Faithful Friend, my Everything and do NOT even listen to my own understanding, my own thoughts, my own wants and desires, but with everything I have, in everything I say and do, LISTEN to GOD. Follow HIS advice and He will give me the best life. He will take me down the right path. He will give me a rockin’ life.

That’s what He promises and His words are true – they will not return void.

So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna trust in the Lord with all my heart, with everything that I have within me, with everything that is driving me – I’m gonna trust. Here’s my life, do what you will with it, Lord.

Because I trust You.